Nope, This is NOT Me

Yesterday I had a friend tell me that I am selfless, amazing, and strong.  Nope, not me.  Not any of those really.
Selfless?  Not even close.  I am pretty selfish.  In this process, I feel like a complete fraud.  I act all brave and maybe even selfless when in all reality I am so selfish.  I want to be chosen!  I am jealous of my friends that are chosen before me even when they started after us.  I hate waiting.  Yes, I am trying to be more selfless by praying for a mom when she makes her decision.  Praying that she will do what is best for herself and her child.  But all the while, I am screaming PICK ME!
Amazing?  Not even close.  I feel broken.  Can't even do the one thing that the female body was created to do, give life.  We have tried for so long and wasted precious time and money.  Not amazing.
Strong?  I wish.  I sit at home and cry almost on a daily basis.  This process has been so emotional that I don't even know what to do with myself sometimes.  I yell and cry because I am so frustrated with the way things are NOT moving.  That is the side of me that no one else sees.  I am not strong.  I am super weak when it comes to having a baby.

BUT....I put on a brave face every day and try again. Sometimes I just have to fake it. Am I really happy that someone got chosen instead of us, not completely, but then again I realize that that child was meant to be theirs and not ours.  Not that it doesn't hurt any less, but I know that deep down.  I pick myself up off the ground, dust myself off, and go all in for another situation.  Until we find OUR child, that is the insanity that we find ourselves in.  It is really amazing how you can 100% fall in love with a child, not get chosen, and then fall 100% in love with the next one.  I have been told that when it finally does happen for us that we will realize that it was all worth it.  It is hard to see right now, but I hope they are right.