Comfort Levels

We haven't had to deal much with our comfort levels in this process, but they were something we had to deal with last night.  I guess we have had to deal with them where drugs have been concerned and once with a cleft palate, but this was the hardest one so far. 

It was a good one; low cost, low openness, baby born sooner rather than later, but then I saw it, Hep c.  Everything else outweighed it and we thought we were good to go.  Barry was fine with it, even though I was kind of surprised.  We have seen friends be matched with moms just like this one and it is low risk of transmitting from mom to baby.  I got excited to present so quickly after our terrible two no day, but as the night went on, the enormity of the situation started to hit me.  Was I really comfortable with that risk?

I understand that the risk is really small and there are great treatments these days, but was I comfortable with taking a risk, even a small one?  I am a what if kind of person.  All I could think about was my child skinning their knee or having a nosebleed and instead of rushing to immediately help, I have to get gloves first?  It broke my heart to even think about it.

I feel terrible about not being comfortable with this situation.  After talking to people, I thought I could be, but I just am not.  I want to be so bad.  But then I wonder if that is my desperation to be a mom talking.  I don't want to jump into a situation that I feel I am not capable of dealing with.  We have always said that if this situation comes up after we are matched, then we will deal with it, but if I have some control over it, I would prefer not to have my child have that risk.

I applaud those of you who have jumped in with both feet on a situation with this issue.  You are amazing people and I know you will do everything in your power for your child.  I guess I am not as strong as you guys.  Maybe eventually but not right now.