Double Digits...

Well, we went over double digits presenting.  It is nice to know we have presented so many times, but sad when you realize that those were 11 babies that weren't meant to be ours.  4 of those were babies that were already born and that was even harder. 

I realized the other day that talking about a situation we are presenting to made the no that much harder.  So I decided to try not telling anyone that we were presenting.  We presented over the weekend and no one knew, not even family or close friends.  It was just us.  I thought maybe it would help if no one knew about it.  As if maybe not having well meaning friends and family ask if we had heard would make it feel better.  I am here to say, it didn't make a difference.  I guess I was glad when I didn't have to explain to people when we got a no again, but I also didn't have the love that we get each time.  This situation would have been perfect.  Baby was coming in the next couple weeks.  I do know that our baby will be perfect for us, but we can't help but feel like each baby we read about is the perfect one for us.  I loved thinking of how we would tell friends and family.  But she was so young and we are older.  I don't know if that played in to it, but it is hard not to wonder.

So, here I sit again, trying to stay positive and know that our baby is out there somewhere.  But it gets harder and harder to stay that way.  Babies are coming all around us.  Just not to us.  It gets harder and harder to talk about.  I want to be excited each time we present to a new expectant mom, but I can't help but think that she will probably just say no and pick someone else.  I really wish we knew why we aren't getting chosen.  Maybe there is something we could have said differently or showed more of in our profile. 

I am super frustrated, but I am glad we are seeing more.  This week the situations have slowed down again.  Only one, but it had the possibility of being so far over our budget and there was no way to know for sure.  They said it could be between x and y.  X was doable, y was not.  So, where do we go from here, I am not sure.  I guess we just continue to wait.  And hope. And pray.  And cry. And put on a smile even when I feel like we are forgotten. :)