Nope, This is NOT Me

Yesterday I had a friend tell me that I am selfless, amazing, and strong.  Nope, not me.  Not any of those really.
Selfless?  Not even close.  I am pretty selfish.  In this process, I feel like a complete fraud.  I act all brave and maybe even selfless when in all reality I am so selfish.  I want to be chosen!  I am jealous of my friends that are chosen before me even when they started after us.  I hate waiting.  Yes, I am trying to be more selfless by praying for a mom when she makes her decision.  Praying that she will do what is best for herself and her child.  But all the while, I am screaming PICK ME!
Amazing?  Not even close.  I feel broken.  Can't even do the one thing that the female body was created to do, give life.  We have tried for so long and wasted precious time and money.  Not amazing.
Strong?  I wish.  I sit at home and cry almost on a daily basis.  This process has been so emotional that I don't even know what to do with myself sometimes.  I yell and cry because I am so frustrated with the way things are NOT moving.  That is the side of me that no one else sees.  I am not strong.  I am super weak when it comes to having a baby.

BUT....I put on a brave face every day and try again. Sometimes I just have to fake it. Am I really happy that someone got chosen instead of us, not completely, but then again I realize that that child was meant to be theirs and not ours.  Not that it doesn't hurt any less, but I know that deep down.  I pick myself up off the ground, dust myself off, and go all in for another situation.  Until we find OUR child, that is the insanity that we find ourselves in.  It is really amazing how you can 100% fall in love with a child, not get chosen, and then fall 100% in love with the next one.  I have been told that when it finally does happen for us that we will realize that it was all worth it.  It is hard to see right now, but I hope they are right.

What is she thinking about tonight?

We presented today. As we wait for an answer, I wonder, what is she thinking about tonight? Is she as nervous as we are? I imagine she must be crazy nervous trying to make the best possible decision for her child.  Does she know that we are feeling that nervousness too? That we are praying and hoping that she will decide that we are the right parents for her son. That we pray for her and her decision? That we just pray for her and the life she leads both now and after she places her child with another family?
Is she flip flopping between two or more profiles? Does she keep flipping through the pages of the profiles looking at those smiling faces, reading about their hopes and dreams? How do you make that brave decision to give the ultimate gift to a couple like us? I imagine all of the profiles she has looked at today have a sad but hopeful story of infertility or failed adoptions. How does she choose?
As much as I know the wait is agonizing for us, I can't even imagine what she is going through. We don't know how long it will take to hear back, but even though it is so painful for me, I will give her the time she needs to make her decision.  We will wait.

UPDATE...Apparently the message I was sent yesterday was wrong.  Apparently the mom got the profiles this morning.  We will see.

Think Before You Speak...

The other night, when they heard me say we were adopting, someone made some comments that really threw me.  She said that they had some friends that adopted internationally and it was such a great experience (not the part that upset me).  What hit me was when she said that if we weren't chosen again that we should try that because then there was pretty much no chance that the family would come back and take the child!  I told her that we were not concerned about that and she looked shocked.  Then she asked me if I was worried that my child would one day tell me that they wanted to go live with their real family.  No, because we would be their real family!

I found myself having to explain myself over and over lately.  People are very anti-open adoption.  I really think it is because the just don't understand how it works and how much more healthy it is.  I start off by telling them that when we began this process, we were just like them.  We wanted a closed or semi-open adoption.  We were fine with sending pictures and updates but we really weren't open to the idea of visits and really getting to know the birth mom.  But then that changed.  I read about other moms who decided open adoption was the best for their children and the birth mom and I started to see how special and how amazing that relationship could be.  I saw that my child wouldn't have to wonder about their story, we could just ask.  He or she would know from the beginning that their birth mom loved them so much that she allowed us to be his or her parents.  That we wanted them so much that we searched and found the perfect child for us.  I REFUSE for this adoption to be a dirty little secret.  I want my child to be proud to be adopted.  Proud that their birth mom made a brave choice to set up a plan when she knew it wasn't possible for her to raise a child.  And I want my child to know that we didn't just get pregnant, we searched and searched until all the pieces came together and brought us to each other.  That we were meant to be.

Will our adoption story be exactly like others we have seen?  Probably not.  Will it always be an easy road in an open adoption?  Probably not, but we can try.  I really want the birth mom to feel like an member of our extended family.  She will have given us the greatest gift that would could never repay.  She will be in my heart forever, because she will be the one who makes it possible for me to be called MOM.

Here we go again!

So, what is the best thing to do when you feel like you have been knocked down in this crazy process?!  DO IT AGAIN! So we are presenting again this week.  When you are in the midst of the process, it seems like you get nothing, but looking back lately it does seem like we have gotten a little more situations lately.  Now they seem to be coming from places we didn't expect or even know about when we started. 
But anyway, I sent in our profile and home study and now we wait again.  We will see what happens.  They are supposed to present either tomorrow or Friday.  Worst part, waiting over a weekend.  At least between work and our good friend's "I Do BBQ" we should be plenty busy to keep our minds off of it.  I did get it sent in early, so maybe for once we will benefit from a birth mom wanting to see profiles early. :)  We can only hope!
So for now, we wait.....

Pretty sure this is not a good thing.

In this process, I am finding that I am getting used to faking my emotions. Mostly faking being happy or being hopeful.  I find myself having to plaster on a fake smile and pretend that adoption is such an amazing experience to go through. Hopefully this time next year I will be saying a completely different thing, but not right now. This is not amazing right now. In fact, right now this process SUCKS! I am tired of my emotions being dragged through the mud. Hopeful with a situation because there is no other way to be when you need to think about a child fitting into your life, but then angry and sad and depressed when we don't get selected. If you haven't been through this process there is just no way to understand what this is like. Yes, you may understand the feelings of rejection and disappointment, but after seeing that sweet baby's face and absolutely falling in love and then being told oh, you can't have him. That is feeling unlike anything that I have been through before now.

But out of everything, I have to say that the thing that drives me so crazy is looks of pity. When we were trying to get pregnant, I saw those looks all the time. Family, friends, doctors, nurses, etc. During the IVF process, I saw it. At the beginning of the adoption process, all I saw was hope in people's faces when they talked with me about it. Now, six months in, all I see is that look of pity again. How do I stay positive when all I see when I talk to people is that look of pity? Hope is a concept that I am quickly losing. I don't know how to hope anymore.  Every time I have hope or feel hopeful I get shot down. i do know this will work out in the end. Just worried that the end is so far away that I might completely lose hope.

How long is too long? How much is too much?

This is what I am wondering about today. We have a situation where the wait time could be five and a half months. A lot sounds great with it but how long is too long? And the budget is much higher than we wanted. So I wonder how much is too much? Is it weird that just now a thought entered my head. It is like God is saying you said you could trust me to find you x amount, but will you trust me to help you find even more?
This situation seems like it would be a sure thing (as sure as it can be) that the parents would place the baby, but you just never know.  I was really hoping for a baby this year, but maybe that wasn't God's plan. Guess we will see. Still have to talk it over with Barry and see what he thinks.

Nothing....SIX months later

Wait. That is all I ever hear. That or no. We had one good week of situations and then nothing. We haven't seen anything in a couple weeks.  I have been busy making things for friends and planning for an I Do BBQ, so that has helped a little bit. But I have to admit, when I sit alone at home, I feel super sad.  I feel jealous of those with babies already. I feel sad that we haven't been matched. I definitely feel left out. I feel mad that people don't t want to help us raise money (don't get me wrong, we have a few amazing people that have been super helpful).  I hate that I feel we are doing this all on our own.

I hear all the time that we will look back and it will all be worth it. I understand and believe that but that doesn't make this time any less difficult. This has taken way longer than I ever thought.  Today has been SIX months since we were home study approved.  Other people have been home study approved, matched, and had their babies already.  We still have nothing.  Some days it is hard to have any hope.  I go into the nursery we have put together and just feel sad.  We were so excited to put together a nursery since we had never had this much hope before. Now it is just a reminder that we still don't have a baby.