In this process, I am finding that I am getting used to faking my emotions. Mostly faking being happy or being hopeful. I find myself having to plaster on a fake smile and pretend that adoption is such an amazing experience to go through. Hopefully this time next year I will be saying a completely different thing, but not right now. This is not amazing right now. In fact, right now this process SUCKS! I am tired of my emotions being dragged through the mud. Hopeful with a situation because there is no other way to be when you need to think about a child fitting into your life, but then angry and sad and depressed when we don't get selected. If you haven't been through this process there is just no way to understand what this is like. Yes, you may understand the feelings of rejection and disappointment, but after seeing that sweet baby's face and absolutely falling in love and then being told oh, you can't have him. That is feeling unlike anything that I have been through before now.
But out of everything, I have to say that the thing that drives me so crazy is looks of pity. When we were trying to get pregnant, I saw those looks all the time. Family, friends, doctors, nurses, etc. During the IVF process, I saw it. At the beginning of the adoption process, all I saw was hope in people's faces when they talked with me about it. Now, six months in, all I see is that look of pity again. How do I stay positive when all I see when I talk to people is that look of pity? Hope is a concept that I am quickly losing. I don't know how to hope anymore. Every time I have hope or feel hopeful I get shot down. i do know this will work out in the end. Just worried that the end is so far away that I might completely lose hope.
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