Two days ago, we received a situation that came in through our Texas agency but came from Iowa of all places. Baby girl was born in June. Situation didn't have a lot of information so we were concerned a little bit, but we wanted to present. Only problem was we had already presented to another situation for a baby due in December. Our consultant ended up telling us that the other was not sure about their plans so we should go ahead a present. So we did.
Yesterday, we heard nothing after we presented. Today, Barry even called me and asked if we had heard anything. I could tell he was excited and freaked out about this one. Later on, I got an email from our agency and she said that they had narrowed it down to two families and we were one of them! Then within ten minutes, I got another email answering questions I had. I was talking to my dad as I was reading the email. When I got to the end of the email, I saw this message, PLEASE CALL ME. SHE CHOSE YOU!
So that was at four and the rest of the day was running around like a crazy person. I don't know how to react. I am in shock. We thought we were going to drive to Iowa, but we were both going to be too tired. So tomorrow morning (I guess today), we will be flying to Iowa to hopefully see and bring home our daughter. The birth parents have 96 hours to change their mind so that is always scary. Then on to how do I care for a baby? May need to buy some books, lol.
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Double Digits...
Well, we went over double digits presenting. It is nice to know we have presented so many times, but sad when you realize that those were 11 babies that weren't meant to be ours. 4 of those were babies that were already born and that was even harder.
I realized the other day that talking about a situation we are presenting to made the no that much harder. So I decided to try not telling anyone that we were presenting. We presented over the weekend and no one knew, not even family or close friends. It was just us. I thought maybe it would help if no one knew about it. As if maybe not having well meaning friends and family ask if we had heard would make it feel better. I am here to say, it didn't make a difference. I guess I was glad when I didn't have to explain to people when we got a no again, but I also didn't have the love that we get each time. This situation would have been perfect. Baby was coming in the next couple weeks. I do know that our baby will be perfect for us, but we can't help but feel like each baby we read about is the perfect one for us. I loved thinking of how we would tell friends and family. But she was so young and we are older. I don't know if that played in to it, but it is hard not to wonder.
So, here I sit again, trying to stay positive and know that our baby is out there somewhere. But it gets harder and harder to stay that way. Babies are coming all around us. Just not to us. It gets harder and harder to talk about. I want to be excited each time we present to a new expectant mom, but I can't help but think that she will probably just say no and pick someone else. I really wish we knew why we aren't getting chosen. Maybe there is something we could have said differently or showed more of in our profile.
I am super frustrated, but I am glad we are seeing more. This week the situations have slowed down again. Only one, but it had the possibility of being so far over our budget and there was no way to know for sure. They said it could be between x and y. X was doable, y was not. So, where do we go from here, I am not sure. I guess we just continue to wait. And hope. And pray. And cry. And put on a smile even when I feel like we are forgotten. :)
I realized the other day that talking about a situation we are presenting to made the no that much harder. So I decided to try not telling anyone that we were presenting. We presented over the weekend and no one knew, not even family or close friends. It was just us. I thought maybe it would help if no one knew about it. As if maybe not having well meaning friends and family ask if we had heard would make it feel better. I am here to say, it didn't make a difference. I guess I was glad when I didn't have to explain to people when we got a no again, but I also didn't have the love that we get each time. This situation would have been perfect. Baby was coming in the next couple weeks. I do know that our baby will be perfect for us, but we can't help but feel like each baby we read about is the perfect one for us. I loved thinking of how we would tell friends and family. But she was so young and we are older. I don't know if that played in to it, but it is hard not to wonder.
So, here I sit again, trying to stay positive and know that our baby is out there somewhere. But it gets harder and harder to stay that way. Babies are coming all around us. Just not to us. It gets harder and harder to talk about. I want to be excited each time we present to a new expectant mom, but I can't help but think that she will probably just say no and pick someone else. I really wish we knew why we aren't getting chosen. Maybe there is something we could have said differently or showed more of in our profile.
I am super frustrated, but I am glad we are seeing more. This week the situations have slowed down again. Only one, but it had the possibility of being so far over our budget and there was no way to know for sure. They said it could be between x and y. X was doable, y was not. So, where do we go from here, I am not sure. I guess we just continue to wait. And hope. And pray. And cry. And put on a smile even when I feel like we are forgotten. :)
Friday, August 28, 2015
What a Change...
Finally, we are starting to see a good amount of situations. Since our double no on Monday, we have seen 4 situations. One I mentioned in the previous post, but the other two were just not a good fit.
The one we saw yesterday felt really good. Are there issues, yes, but they are something that we can handle. And she wants an older couple with no kids. It is funny how going through this process you learn what you and your spouse will say yes to. I was at work mopping the floor when I got the email for this situation. I tried not to read it since I was supposed to be working, but then I couldn't wait anymore, I had to see it. I quickly read the first page and didn't even need to see the rest, I knew I was in, and I knew Barry would go for it as well. He was in a meeting so I had to wait to talk to him. It was painful to wait when I just wanted to tell the agency yes, I wanted to present. And then when he finally called back and I told him to read his email, he told me he would read it and call me back. More waiting. I should be a pro by now!
Finally he called back and gave me the answer I had expected all along. Let's go for it. I immediately emailed the agency and told them we were in. Now if we can only get an email back about when they are presenting. And so we wait some more.
It is pretty amazing the change I have seen in our mindset regarding this adoption. We started out on this journey, we were open to only a small list of things: closed or semi open adoption, Caucasian or maybe Hispanic, no drugs, known consenting birth father, and under 25,000 budget. Wow, have things changed. Now we are open to having an open adoption (the others are okay too), almost all races, some drugs are okay (of course we don't love it but we can handle it), waiting 30 days for a birth father's rights to be terminated if he doesn't want to sign, and trusting in God for the money if the budget is higher.
So this is where we are now....waiting on the right momma to choose us to raise her baby. Of course we hope it is this one we are presenting to next week. But if not, we will move on to the next one and fall 100% for the next child we hope to bring into our heart. Please keep praying for us as we wait and attempt to be patient.
The one we saw yesterday felt really good. Are there issues, yes, but they are something that we can handle. And she wants an older couple with no kids. It is funny how going through this process you learn what you and your spouse will say yes to. I was at work mopping the floor when I got the email for this situation. I tried not to read it since I was supposed to be working, but then I couldn't wait anymore, I had to see it. I quickly read the first page and didn't even need to see the rest, I knew I was in, and I knew Barry would go for it as well. He was in a meeting so I had to wait to talk to him. It was painful to wait when I just wanted to tell the agency yes, I wanted to present. And then when he finally called back and I told him to read his email, he told me he would read it and call me back. More waiting. I should be a pro by now!
Finally he called back and gave me the answer I had expected all along. Let's go for it. I immediately emailed the agency and told them we were in. Now if we can only get an email back about when they are presenting. And so we wait some more.
It is pretty amazing the change I have seen in our mindset regarding this adoption. We started out on this journey, we were open to only a small list of things: closed or semi open adoption, Caucasian or maybe Hispanic, no drugs, known consenting birth father, and under 25,000 budget. Wow, have things changed. Now we are open to having an open adoption (the others are okay too), almost all races, some drugs are okay (of course we don't love it but we can handle it), waiting 30 days for a birth father's rights to be terminated if he doesn't want to sign, and trusting in God for the money if the budget is higher.
So this is where we are now....waiting on the right momma to choose us to raise her baby. Of course we hope it is this one we are presenting to next week. But if not, we will move on to the next one and fall 100% for the next child we hope to bring into our heart. Please keep praying for us as we wait and attempt to be patient.
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Comfort Levels
We haven't had to deal much with our comfort levels in this process, but they were something we had to deal with last night. I guess we have had to deal with them where drugs have been concerned and once with a cleft palate, but this was the hardest one so far.
It was a good one; low cost, low openness, baby born sooner rather than later, but then I saw it, Hep c. Everything else outweighed it and we thought we were good to go. Barry was fine with it, even though I was kind of surprised. We have seen friends be matched with moms just like this one and it is low risk of transmitting from mom to baby. I got excited to present so quickly after our terrible two no day, but as the night went on, the enormity of the situation started to hit me. Was I really comfortable with that risk?
I understand that the risk is really small and there are great treatments these days, but was I comfortable with taking a risk, even a small one? I am a what if kind of person. All I could think about was my child skinning their knee or having a nosebleed and instead of rushing to immediately help, I have to get gloves first? It broke my heart to even think about it.
I feel terrible about not being comfortable with this situation. After talking to people, I thought I could be, but I just am not. I want to be so bad. But then I wonder if that is my desperation to be a mom talking. I don't want to jump into a situation that I feel I am not capable of dealing with. We have always said that if this situation comes up after we are matched, then we will deal with it, but if I have some control over it, I would prefer not to have my child have that risk.
I applaud those of you who have jumped in with both feet on a situation with this issue. You are amazing people and I know you will do everything in your power for your child. I guess I am not as strong as you guys. Maybe eventually but not right now.
It was a good one; low cost, low openness, baby born sooner rather than later, but then I saw it, Hep c. Everything else outweighed it and we thought we were good to go. Barry was fine with it, even though I was kind of surprised. We have seen friends be matched with moms just like this one and it is low risk of transmitting from mom to baby. I got excited to present so quickly after our terrible two no day, but as the night went on, the enormity of the situation started to hit me. Was I really comfortable with that risk?
I understand that the risk is really small and there are great treatments these days, but was I comfortable with taking a risk, even a small one? I am a what if kind of person. All I could think about was my child skinning their knee or having a nosebleed and instead of rushing to immediately help, I have to get gloves first? It broke my heart to even think about it.
I feel terrible about not being comfortable with this situation. After talking to people, I thought I could be, but I just am not. I want to be so bad. But then I wonder if that is my desperation to be a mom talking. I don't want to jump into a situation that I feel I am not capable of dealing with. We have always said that if this situation comes up after we are matched, then we will deal with it, but if I have some control over it, I would prefer not to have my child have that risk.
I applaud those of you who have jumped in with both feet on a situation with this issue. You are amazing people and I know you will do everything in your power for your child. I guess I am not as strong as you guys. Maybe eventually but not right now.
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Worst Day So Far
So, let me tell you all about the worst day we have had in this adoption process. It begins with a ton of hope and ends with questions of why we aren't good enough.
So, almost two weeks ago, we were given a situation that we were interested in presenting to. We sent in everything we needed to and waited. Well, then when it came time to find out her answer, she asked for more time over the weekend. As much as we wanted to know right away, we understood and didn't want to rush her. So we waited til yesterday.
While we waited, we received another situation. This one was good too and really made us want to present to that one as well. We told them that we were waiting for an answer from the first agency (they told us we would have an answer on Monday). They told us that they would hold off presenting to their expectant mom if we would just let them know as soon as we heard something from the first mom. In the meantime, I made sure she had all of our paperwork so that we would be ready just in case we were not chosen by the first mom.
So Monday comes and we are full of hope. Excited that even if the first one didn't choose us, that we had a good chance with the second mom. The first only had 5 profiles to choose from and we thought that was good odds. We were excited. The second agency was getting antsy though because they were planning to present soon. So I wrote to the first agency to find out what was going on. Finally we heard that the mom liked our profile but chose someone else.
I wasn't devastated though because I knew we had the second situation and we even kind of liked it better. We would have been thrilled either way, but this was sooner and had less issues. So I sent the email telling the second agency that we were ready to present. We felt good about this one. We figured it would be at least a day or so before we heard anything back, so we were able to relax and talked about what if situations for getting this baby. Then I got an email from the agency saying that the mom did not like any of the 4 profiles she received and asked for more. WHAT?! This has never happened to us before. That really hurt. They said there is a possibility of her going back to one of them, but that it really didn't look like she would be choosing one of the four that she was presented yesterday. WOW! I didn't know how or what to feel about that. It is one thing to be chosen because they felt a connection to someone else. But to be not chosen because she didn't like any of us, that hurts a little more.
So here we are now, a little shell shocked by starting the week off with two hopeful situations, and now left with nothing. I don't even know what to say. I feel like someone let the wind out of my sails right now. I feel so helpless to understand why we are not being chosen. I know that there is a baby out there somewhere and it's all in God's plan, but not being chosen 8 times hurts.
There was one good thing that happened yesterday. About 10 years ago or so, I met a group of ladies online when we were all starting this journey to have a baby. We have stuck together and supported each other through ups and downs. Well, they sent me a box. I was confused. I opened it and found that they had sent me a baby shower in a box! It was the sweetest thing! And it really did come on the perfect day!
So, almost two weeks ago, we were given a situation that we were interested in presenting to. We sent in everything we needed to and waited. Well, then when it came time to find out her answer, she asked for more time over the weekend. As much as we wanted to know right away, we understood and didn't want to rush her. So we waited til yesterday.
While we waited, we received another situation. This one was good too and really made us want to present to that one as well. We told them that we were waiting for an answer from the first agency (they told us we would have an answer on Monday). They told us that they would hold off presenting to their expectant mom if we would just let them know as soon as we heard something from the first mom. In the meantime, I made sure she had all of our paperwork so that we would be ready just in case we were not chosen by the first mom.
So Monday comes and we are full of hope. Excited that even if the first one didn't choose us, that we had a good chance with the second mom. The first only had 5 profiles to choose from and we thought that was good odds. We were excited. The second agency was getting antsy though because they were planning to present soon. So I wrote to the first agency to find out what was going on. Finally we heard that the mom liked our profile but chose someone else.
I wasn't devastated though because I knew we had the second situation and we even kind of liked it better. We would have been thrilled either way, but this was sooner and had less issues. So I sent the email telling the second agency that we were ready to present. We felt good about this one. We figured it would be at least a day or so before we heard anything back, so we were able to relax and talked about what if situations for getting this baby. Then I got an email from the agency saying that the mom did not like any of the 4 profiles she received and asked for more. WHAT?! This has never happened to us before. That really hurt. They said there is a possibility of her going back to one of them, but that it really didn't look like she would be choosing one of the four that she was presented yesterday. WOW! I didn't know how or what to feel about that. It is one thing to be chosen because they felt a connection to someone else. But to be not chosen because she didn't like any of us, that hurts a little more.
So here we are now, a little shell shocked by starting the week off with two hopeful situations, and now left with nothing. I don't even know what to say. I feel like someone let the wind out of my sails right now. I feel so helpless to understand why we are not being chosen. I know that there is a baby out there somewhere and it's all in God's plan, but not being chosen 8 times hurts.
There was one good thing that happened yesterday. About 10 years ago or so, I met a group of ladies online when we were all starting this journey to have a baby. We have stuck together and supported each other through ups and downs. Well, they sent me a box. I was confused. I opened it and found that they had sent me a baby shower in a box! It was the sweetest thing! And it really did come on the perfect day!
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Nope, This is NOT Me
Yesterday I had a friend tell me that I am selfless, amazing, and strong. Nope, not me. Not any of those really.
Selfless? Not even close. I am pretty selfish. In this process, I feel like a complete fraud. I act all brave and maybe even selfless when in all reality I am so selfish. I want to be chosen! I am jealous of my friends that are chosen before me even when they started after us. I hate waiting. Yes, I am trying to be more selfless by praying for a mom when she makes her decision. Praying that she will do what is best for herself and her child. But all the while, I am screaming PICK ME!
Amazing? Not even close. I feel broken. Can't even do the one thing that the female body was created to do, give life. We have tried for so long and wasted precious time and money. Not amazing.
Strong? I wish. I sit at home and cry almost on a daily basis. This process has been so emotional that I don't even know what to do with myself sometimes. I yell and cry because I am so frustrated with the way things are NOT moving. That is the side of me that no one else sees. I am not strong. I am super weak when it comes to having a baby.
BUT....I put on a brave face every day and try again. Sometimes I just have to fake it. Am I really happy that someone got chosen instead of us, not completely, but then again I realize that that child was meant to be theirs and not ours. Not that it doesn't hurt any less, but I know that deep down. I pick myself up off the ground, dust myself off, and go all in for another situation. Until we find OUR child, that is the insanity that we find ourselves in. It is really amazing how you can 100% fall in love with a child, not get chosen, and then fall 100% in love with the next one. I have been told that when it finally does happen for us that we will realize that it was all worth it. It is hard to see right now, but I hope they are right.
Selfless? Not even close. I am pretty selfish. In this process, I feel like a complete fraud. I act all brave and maybe even selfless when in all reality I am so selfish. I want to be chosen! I am jealous of my friends that are chosen before me even when they started after us. I hate waiting. Yes, I am trying to be more selfless by praying for a mom when she makes her decision. Praying that she will do what is best for herself and her child. But all the while, I am screaming PICK ME!
Amazing? Not even close. I feel broken. Can't even do the one thing that the female body was created to do, give life. We have tried for so long and wasted precious time and money. Not amazing.
Strong? I wish. I sit at home and cry almost on a daily basis. This process has been so emotional that I don't even know what to do with myself sometimes. I yell and cry because I am so frustrated with the way things are NOT moving. That is the side of me that no one else sees. I am not strong. I am super weak when it comes to having a baby.
BUT....I put on a brave face every day and try again. Sometimes I just have to fake it. Am I really happy that someone got chosen instead of us, not completely, but then again I realize that that child was meant to be theirs and not ours. Not that it doesn't hurt any less, but I know that deep down. I pick myself up off the ground, dust myself off, and go all in for another situation. Until we find OUR child, that is the insanity that we find ourselves in. It is really amazing how you can 100% fall in love with a child, not get chosen, and then fall 100% in love with the next one. I have been told that when it finally does happen for us that we will realize that it was all worth it. It is hard to see right now, but I hope they are right.
Monday, August 17, 2015
What is she thinking about tonight?
We presented today. As we wait for an answer, I wonder, what is she thinking about tonight? Is she as nervous as we are? I imagine she must be crazy nervous trying to make the best possible decision for her child. Does she know that we are feeling that nervousness too? That we are praying and hoping that she will decide that we are the right parents for her son. That we pray for her and her decision? That we just pray for her and the life she leads both now and after she places her child with another family?
Is she flip flopping between two or more profiles? Does she keep flipping through the pages of the profiles looking at those smiling faces, reading about their hopes and dreams? How do you make that brave decision to give the ultimate gift to a couple like us? I imagine all of the profiles she has looked at today have a sad but hopeful story of infertility or failed adoptions. How does she choose?
As much as I know the wait is agonizing for us, I can't even imagine what she is going through. We don't know how long it will take to hear back, but even though it is so painful for me, I will give her the time she needs to make her decision. We will wait.
UPDATE...Apparently the message I was sent yesterday was wrong. Apparently the mom got the profiles this morning. We will see.
Is she flip flopping between two or more profiles? Does she keep flipping through the pages of the profiles looking at those smiling faces, reading about their hopes and dreams? How do you make that brave decision to give the ultimate gift to a couple like us? I imagine all of the profiles she has looked at today have a sad but hopeful story of infertility or failed adoptions. How does she choose?
As much as I know the wait is agonizing for us, I can't even imagine what she is going through. We don't know how long it will take to hear back, but even though it is so painful for me, I will give her the time she needs to make her decision. We will wait.
UPDATE...Apparently the message I was sent yesterday was wrong. Apparently the mom got the profiles this morning. We will see.
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